Talk Dirty To Me - Deane Vipond

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Talk Dirty To Me

Did you know most of the world’s population don’t just regularly talk dirty to others, but talk dirty to themselves? But lose the bedroom connotations. What we are referring to here is our internal dirty talk.

Did you know most of the world’s population don’t just regularly talk dirty to others, but talk dirty to themselves? But lose the bedroom connotations. What we are referring to here is our internal dirty talk – when we speak down or negatively to ourselves. Lots of us do it every day, and don’t even know we are doing it. You know the sort of talk; when you stub your toe, forget a friend’s birthday, or a train-wreck sales presentation you might scream out, ‘Oh for F%&# sake. You absolute total idiot!’. This might be at the top of your lungs, or murmured under your breath, or even just thinking it. 100% of the population have done it at some stage. It’s a part of our subconsciously programmed negative bias. Some do it more than others. Some have even become famous for it, such as good old US tennis star John McEnroe’s ‘You can’t be SERIOUS!’ outbursts toward on-court officials. Despite John’s abuse hurled at third parties, it could also affect his game and performance, the messages driven deep into his subconscious, as if directed at himself. In fact, on closer examination, it strikes that his tone becomes more and more resigned to this outcome the older he got. Hmmm.

But does it really matter for us mere mortals how we address ourselves in our everyday lives? Don’t we deep-down know the real context? Surely, we don’t need yet another ‘improve your life book’ to deal with this? I mean, surely, we know the real stuff from crap talk, right? Well, regardless of how much you might think it’s all incidental, think again. These expletives are part of our internal dialogue or self-chatter, and it can drift us unknowingly, much like the frog boiling in a pot of warming water, to a mode of operandi which could significantly influence and sabotage our overall being, and even our life outcomes.

But how? Well, repeated negatively structured expletives lend themselves to operate as an unstructured affirmation. Plain and simple. And whether you subscribe to the power of positive psychology or associated affirmation theory, it is a very real thing. A bit like when hearing and singing along to a song on the radio, or a popular TV theme, when we sing it over-and-over it becomes affirmed – we own it, inside out – whether we like it or not.

A real-life case involved my dear old Mum (RIP) who, from as far back as I can remember, after making almost any mistake, trivial or otherwise, would say aloud to herself, ‘You’re just a dumb blonde!’ Mum never was though. Far from it. At least early on. But decades of driving the message home relentlessly to her subconscious (her ‘Sub’) it duly accepted and reinforced her assertion. It was painful to witness. Like us all, Mum was not perfect, yet despite efforts to encourage a correction of her behaviour it was sad to see her negative self-opinion persist and play such a significant role, especially in her later life.

While Mum’s final years saw Alzheimer’s significantly diminish her physical and mental agility, she still had no problem referring to herself as a ‘dumb blonde’ almost to her final breath. We seem to morph toward a representation of that which we most often think of and inform ourselves – whether what we say, or think is true, or not.

Another example, a mate – let’s call him Phil – is a great golfer and often makes shots right up there with the best at Augusta. Yet after most great-shot compliments, more often than not he’ll respond with, ‘Well, just watch the next shot, it’s bound to be total shite!’ Guess what? It almost always is.

Despite most Phil-like-minded individuals being aware of their actions, those desiring change usually don’t or can’t. Why? Surely it is easy to fix, right? Well, though, it might seem easy – despite being cheap as chips, and simple as a squirrel running up a tree – it often comes down to addressing not just what we say to ourselves, but why we say it, and how we think of ourselves. And that involves checking in with our self-image and our ego.

Further, this sort of ‘innocuous’ and only slightly destructive innuendo may indicate low self-confidence. Phil could not just be setting himself up to fail but to avoid having to deal with the disappointment (of a poor next shot) resulting from his best, honest effort. In a weird way, Phil would rather risk coping with a bad shot after predicting it, than he would in dealing with a bad shot after being vulnerable from the hope built from his exceptional previous shot. A cop-out by any other name. My advice: be as vulnerable and expecting of good results following good results as you can. Of course, if you always want to be mediocre, then carry on. But to all golfers out there, remember this: the most important shot in golf is always the next one.

Do you know a Phil who talks dirty? How is he getting on? Are you a Phil? Next time you catch yourself talking dirty to yourself, pause and ask: would I speak like this to a mate?